My relief

The past week I learnt a lot about myself. We learnt that the final tests on our baby came out totally clean after what have been six months of anxiety and worry. What I realised, though, is that during these six months I was actually under a lot more stress than I thought. Only when I felt the immensity of the relief did I realise that I must have been under a heavy burden.

Suddenly I have the energy to do and start the things that I should have started months ago. Those creative thoughts that I get when I do my morning run. Two months a go I thought of them, but simply knew I didn’t have the energy to pursue them. In a business like ours where proactivity is the only way to survive, this is quite a disadvantage. Not only for work, but also for relationships with people that expect things from you which you simply don’t have the enegy to deliver. It’s almost as if my brain was rebooted in “safe” mode – loosing some functionality but with enough functionality to survive, at least.

The funny thing is – when people asked me how i was doing, I always said – “Fine”. Not because I was lying or trying to avoid the conversation, but because I really believed I was. Somehow my brain managed to block out the fear and anxiety and store it somewhere in a safe corner. I guess the storage facility in this safe corner requires some energy that causes some other functionality to be lost.

In a relationship-economy and business like ours, we need to be absolutely honest with ourselves and our partners/customers. If they know that I will not be able to push as hard as usual, they will know that they can assist me by pulling me every now and then. Or helping me push.

Anyway, just interesting to learn about life.

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